Safety First: How to Recognise Partner Monitoring When It Isn't Safe to Confront It

It’s a terrible feeling to suspect your partner is monitoring you, especially if you also feel unsafe confronting them. This guide will help you understand what digital monitoring looks like, and what to do next, keeping your safety as the absolute top priority.

Understanding Partner Monitoring

Partner monitoring, often called ‘stalkerware’ or ‘spouseware’, is a type of software installed on your phone or computer without your knowledge. It allows someone to see your messages, track your location, listen to calls, or even remotely activate your camera or microphone. It’s a serious invasion of privacy and a form of abuse.

Signs Your Phone Might Be Monitored

While these signs don't definitively prove stalkerware is present, they can be indicators that something is not right. It’s important to pay attention to sudden changes in your phone’s behaviour.

• Your phone battery drains much faster than usual.
• Your phone becomes unusually warm, even when not in heavy use.
• You notice unfamiliar apps or settings, or your settings change without your input.
• Your data usage unexpectedly increases.
• Your phone lights up or makes sounds when it should be idle.
• You hear faint background noises or echoes during calls.

Signs Your Computer Might Be Monitored

Just like with phones, your computer can also be compromised. Look out for these clues, which might suggest someone has installed monitoring software.

• Your computer runs much slower than usual.
• You see unfamiliar programs or processes running in the Task Manager (Windows) or Activity Monitor (Mac).
• Your webcam or microphone light turns on unexpectedly.
• There are changes to your browser homepage, or new toolbars you didn’t install.
• Files are missing, or new files appear that you didn't create.

What Not to Do (Yet)

It’s natural to want to immediately remove any monitoring software or confront your partner. However, doing so without a safety plan can be extremely dangerous. Abusers often escalate their behaviour when they feel they are losing control.

• Do not delete suspicious apps or change settings on your device.
• Do not confront your partner about your suspicions.
• Do not try to gather evidence on the monitored device.
• Do not discuss your suspicions with anyone using your monitored device or network.

Prioritising Your Safety

Your physical and emotional safety is the most important thing. Before taking any steps to address the monitoring, focus on creating a safety plan. This might involve reaching out to trusted support networks.

• Contact a domestic violence helpline or support service from a safe device that won't be monitored (e.g., a friend's phone, a public library computer).
• Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or colleague in person, if possible.
• Start creating a separate email address and phone number that your partner doesn't know about.
• Gather important documents (identification, financial records) and keep them in a safe place, if it's safe to do so.

Key takeaway

Recognising the signs of partner monitoring is the first step towards regaining your safety and privacy. Remember, your safety is paramount. Do not take any action that could alert your abuser until you have a robust safety plan in place and support from trusted services or individuals.